Copyright © by P.R. Lowe, June 23, 2010
Have I forgotten what I’ve learned in the last few years, here on this sacred ground ? Or am I being called to act upon what I have learned? Or at least begin to put that into practice in my daily life? Not next year or next month or week, not even in the next hour, but in every nano second of every moment? Now… then now… then now, with no let-up in between? Not in big, elaborate, planned schemes and dreams, but in small subtle ways that the old me does not fully recognize and the new me does not completely grasp yet? Back and forth, up and down, yes then no.
And why do simple tasks seem to take longer than they used to? And no longer seem simple? And the task-list seems to grow ever longer, no matter how much I dig into the sand and attempt to spin out and forward.? I use the word “seems” here, in full awareness, for in the midst of something that seems very real and very important, I also feel it is an illusion. So I run the gamut of my emotions, doing my best to find one that fits the scene…only the scene keeps changing; so quickly that I feel three paces behind the reality of it. By the time I have chosen an action, or simply reacted from my conditioning, the moment is gone and there is something else. So I feel a little lost at times or more like I am in the midst of a chaos that sometimes convinces me that it is normal, yet, I know at some heart felt level, that it is not. I feel as though I am literally hanging onto a kite’s tail, wriggling, willy nilly, in a thousand mile an hour wind, just to accomplish one small thing, and that “normal” is rapidly disintegrating.
And from what I am hearing from friends, family and acquaintances; and yes, even my animal friends and the earth herself; I am not alone. There just doesn’t seem to be enough time, or time itself is no longer what we’ve come to know as “normal”. There seems to be a chaotic, uncomfortable “doing”…a bit of the old “chasing the tail” and the illusion of being very, very busy. A nervous kind of energy that we must do it all and we must do it now! But what? Some of us , myself included, aren’t quite sure what “the what” is. And even when I am completely convinced that I know and I set out a plan to proceed, it changes mid stream and I am choosing again. Aaaggh!
This alone might be enough to cause one to feel a bit unsettled, but at the other end of the spectrum, I am feeling silence and stillness to be magnified to a point of spookiness. A stillness devoid of anything familiar. A quietness so empty that it rattles around inside of me and feels loud. I feel blessed to have a life style where I have been able to witness both ends and sometimes when one is still and quiet, it can be scary, for in those moments I seem to be hearing, feeling, seeing, more than I ever have before; thus a good reason to manifest “busy” at some level and avoid meeting one’s self in the hallway. Right now as I sit at the keyboard, in the mountain woods, both are here simultaneously. And perhaps that is the real challenge; holding the space of love, and who we truly are, without fear or judgement, regret or retaliation.
“If we let go of time, we can create time.” As this came thru my head, I totally got it, understood, and yet my thinkingness had a challenge with it. But in my heart and the rhythms that are not man made I know it and feel it to be so. And nature is after all nature; more than tree, flora, fauna, creeks and stones. What is her nature, except to adapt, change…..shift? To hold her in a place that one “thinks” she should be, when we cannot yet see that place, may feel kind and self righteous, but it’s just another form of control and fear. And being a lover of trees and animals and kindred spirit to realms generally unseen, that comes hard for me to say. Yet it is by virtue of this natural environment that I am able to say it. A gratitude grows in me daily of the unseen and unknown to our kind and the potential of those places gives me strength.
I think we, as humans, trick ourselves into believing we can control those things outside us, especially nature. It makes us feel a little better about our fears, mostly fear of the unknown and the unplanned for. We sell our trees and poison our oceans thinking that paper money will fill a hole or gap in our illusory needs or an emptiness, but the hole and the emptiness remain, as that green paper moves on. For money is only another form of energy and does not remain stationary…and does not, necessarily, always do what we desire it to no matter how much we believe in our ability to manifest. For that “energetic”money is linked to and travels thru some places that best be left unsaid. And basically if you are busy “manifesting”, then it’s a sure bet you’re not the only one doing so. And although this notion may be novel or relatively new to some, it is as old as time itself and you can bet there is some manifesting going on out there by some pretty practiced adepts, that may not have everyone’s best interests at heart. At the other end, some, with good intention, do their best to save or protect this or that, perhaps not fully aware of the magnitude of that entity’s path here or what invisible balance we tamper with from either end.
So how does one truly manifest? How does one stay strong without stepping into battle? How does one love without possession or the desire to keep or control?
A voice said, “Do one simple thing each day.” That is really all I heard, but my thinkingness (a conditioned response) added, “to change your life.” and yet I know my life will inevitably change whether I consciously do anything or not. Maybe the message was complete as it came, “Do one simple thing each day.” Once again, I get it, I understand it, but think I would be hard pressed to explain it. Should I make a list of things I feel should be done, keep numbers and contacts and endless loops of do this, get that, contact whomever? No. I really believe I am done with lists. They do not work anymore and in retrospection they never really did for me. They just seemed to be a doom and gloom stealer of creativity, whether I did them or not. For anyone that’s ever made lists, knows full well that the list never gets any shorter. It turns into a never ending, nagging authority archetype, that never subsides in your head , and your heart is left to feel incomplete …always. And one tends to believe that it will be complete when the list gets done. Thus, chasing a tail.
So in these challenging times, it has sometimes been difficult to remember that my heart is full and complete as it is: that no amount of “doing” or “acquiring” will fill it, if it is not aware of it’s own fullness already. These things I have learned, and know to be true, but these things I have not yet become.
So, sometimes I still fall prey to feeling fearful and threatened……by my own ideas (and other’s ideas) of what my life “should be” and as the outside sometimes appears to be creeping inside and I feel I have been chased by demons, through many lives, I remember that, real or imagined, they too must be afraid and searching for solid ground. And in that we find a bond, because there is none just now.
Yet, there is peace amid the chaos, or chaos amid the peace, depending on how one looks at it. Really they are the same and that is the point. How does one hold both? A doe drops her new born in a shallow creek on a dry humid June day, several hundred yards away, loggers and bulldozers do the deed to her home and habitat. Just a few states away the oil spill is still spilling. Next door and down the road, the grinding and grating and banging from heavy equipment seem unbearable to me. But as I walk from the mail box with a disapproving grimace on my face and a heart that feels an odd inexplicable anguish, I am graced to catch a glimpse of her and her new fawn. Standing together in a cool sparkling tributary that dances over ancient rocks and minerals. There seems to be minute sparkles in the air all around her, and as she glances up at me to see if I mean them harm, I see her face is as serene as the Blessed Mary’s. For one brief shining moment, I forget the land ravagers are here and cannot even hear their thundering equipment, as it rips through living flesh as innocently as one would slice butter.
Later that evening when all the noise had ceased and there was quiet in the valley again; a silence so still and empty that one may think they had left this planet. I stretched out on the ground near the edge of the woods, just to revel in this quietness; the lack of which had magnified it’s significance to me. I felt exhausted, and had not done so much that I could justify it in my head; the kind of exhaustion that one might feel after a triathelon or walking the dessert for days without food or water. The area was beset with hummingbirds and tiny whiter than white creatures that looked like wee fairies in angelic gowns. A huge dragon fly with a iridescent silver streak down its back, lit on my bare thigh and lingered there and I was no where near the lake, where they normally “hang out”. The last time the logger’s were here, they all vanished from the area. Not this time. The scales are tipping. Do one simple thing.